Mirror First, Environment Second: The Deeper Work of Discernment
We live in a culture that’s quick to label. “That job is toxic.” “That relationship is unhealthy.” “That friend is draining.” Sometimes those statements are true. But other times, they’re shortcuts… ways of externalizing pain without pausing to see what part of it belongs to us.
This distinction matters because if we’re always focused on the environment, we may leave situations that could have been fertile ground for growth. And if we never take a hard look at ourselves, we miss the opportunity to heal patterns that will follow us into the next job, the next relationship, or the next room.
The Mirror Test
Before we make a judgment about whether an environment is healthy or unhealthy, we need to hold up the mirror. That means asking questions like:
What part of my discomfort is being triggered from past experiences?
How much of this reaction belongs to my nervous system’s survival response?
Am I projecting unhealed wounds onto the present moment?
Without that mirror check, we risk confusing discomfort with danger.
Discomfort Isn’t Always the Enemy
Growth often feels uncomfortable… speaking up in a meeting, setting a boundary in a relationship, or sharing a vulnerable truth with a friend can make us want to run. Our body may signal “unsafe!” simply because it’s new. But “new” doesn’t mean “toxic.”
This is why nervous system awareness is key. When we notice our body’s reactions, we gain the ability to ask: Is this environment actually unsafe, or am I being stretched in a way that invites growth?
When the Environment Truly Is Unhealthy
Doing the inner work doesn’t mean you should tolerate harmful spaces. In fact, it gives you clarity. So, if you’ve worked to regulate, if you’ve reflected, and you’ve shown up with integrity, yet the environment still erodes your peace, then you can leave with confidence.
This is much different from running away. It’s choosing from a place of alignment. It’s saying: I’ve done my part. This space isn’t right for me. And that’s okay.
How to Practice This Balance
Notice the trigger. Write down what activates you.
Pause for a mirror check. Ask yourself: Is this old pain resurfacing, or is it something real in this space?
Regulate your body. Take time to regulate yourself around this new approach. Identify the triggers, then try showing up differently. Now, this doesn’t mean bending to the will of an unhealthy environment… It simply means that regulating around a new experience takes time, so give growth a try and see what you’re able to learn.
Re-engage with awareness. Test the waters again. Does the environment still feel unsafe after regulation? Or does it feel different now?
Discern with honesty. If harm remains, honor your worth by stepping away. If not, lean into the growth that’s unfolding.
Reflection Prompt
This week, think of a situation that felt “off” recently. Maybe it was a conversation at work, a moment with your partner, or a gathering with friends. Journal on these questions:
What emotions came up for me in that space?
Where have I felt these emotions before in my life?
What belongs to my history, and what belongs to the environment right now?
Final Thought
Not every room deserves your presence. But your presence deserves honesty. When you look in the mirror before you judge the room, you give yourself the gift of clarity and the freedom to choose from a place of truth, not trauma.
If This Resonated
If this spoke to you on any level, you can dive deeper with me in the following 3 ways:
Wishing you peace, clarity, and healthy surroundings,
~ Austen 🫶🏼
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